Updated August 25, 2026
I was rushing my kids out the door one night for the saddest of reasons: I needed to get them to the sitter so I could attend visiting hours at a funeral home.
My headstrong son was resisting, and there was no time for resistance. His grandpa insists that reasoning is the way to go with this boy, so I calmly told him that Mumma had to go somewhere sad and really needed his help.
The only result was that my sometimes-sweet four-year-old started muttering words so unkind that I cannot repeat them here. My bereaved family members might read this post and be hurt by them. It was that bad.
I scolded him, but I did not get into it at that moment because we needed to leave. Once we were in the car, I kept thinking about what had happened. I knew I needed to reopen the issue and help him recognize what kind behavior could look like.
How Our Kind or Mean Game Started
After a few introductory remarks about apologizing, I had an idea. He seemed to have trouble identifying what “kind” behavior was—or at least claimed he did.
I asked, “If your sister’s doll was broken and you said, ‘Ha ha, your doll is broken,’ would that be kind or mean?”
“Mean,” he answered without delay.
“What could you do instead?”
“I could give her hugs,” he said.
“Yes,” I replied. “Or you could say, ‘I’m sorry your doll is broken,’ or perhaps help her fix it.” We then returned to what he had said to me and worked through a few kinder options.
Much to my surprise, he loved the game. We played it all the way to the sitter’s, all the way home, and several times afterward. He liked naming someone we knew while I invented a situation. Sometimes the action was kind and sometimes it was mean. Other times, he made up the situation and I answered.
How to Play Kind or Mean
- Describe one short situation. Use people and routines your child understands.
- Ask, “Was that kind or mean?” Let the child answer before explaining.
- Ask what could happen next. If the action was mean, invite the child to suggest a kinder choice.
- Switch roles. Let the child invent a situation for the adult to answer.
Keep the pace playful. The goal is to practice noticing choices, not to catch a child giving a wrong answer.
Simple Scenario Prompts
- A friend drops their crayons and someone helps pick them up.
- A child laughs when another child makes a mistake.
- Someone asks before borrowing a toy.
- A child sees a new classmate sitting alone and invites them to play.
- Someone grabs the first turn without asking.
- A child notices that a sibling is upset and offers comfort.
After each answer, try one follow-up question: “How might that person feel?” or “What could make the situation kinder?”
Adjust the Game for Your Child
For younger children, use one-sentence examples with an obvious choice. For older children, include situations in which intentions and outcomes are different. If a topic feels upsetting, let the child skip it and choose a lighter example.
I do not have many outstanding-mom moments, but I remain thankful that this simple game turned a hard evening into a useful conversation. Now, if your child asks to play “Kind or Mean” for the 12,000th time, is it kind or mean to sigh and say, “Okay, one more time?”
Continue with age-appropriate chores for kids, teaching kids that it is okay to say no, and our kindergarten readiness checklist.
Good idea, and I love the pic you have illustrating this. Freezing out or giving cookies. 🙂
wow ‘ am glad you wrote this, i have had similar things happen to me, though my children and now even with my grand babies.. I just trust in my Father Jesus that he will get us through it and help me to teach them and also keep me in check to be patient with them.. thanks for share @tisonlyme143
What a wonderful way to involve his mind and imagination into conjuring up kindness out of his own heart and mind, I think that you’ve really tapped into something for him. Maybe he’ll make a habit of it quickly and he might be over this one really soon, if not, he can just get more and more practice as you do this with him.
I love this! My daughters could definitely benefit from this. It’s a great way to get them thinking empathetically, which can be difficult when they are young. I’ve been doing the “Would you be happy or sad if someone said _______ (whatever she just said to someone else) or if someone _____ (whatever she did to someone else) to you.
I think it is great that you were able to come up with this game to teach your child about the difference between kind and mean. Sometimes the best things happen by accident and you have to realize what they are and grab the opportunity to use them
I like your game a lot. When my son was little I noticed he didn’t have much patience when trying to explain something to me or a friend. I told him many times its best to teach with kindness. I think that worked very well as now he is a “Tech” teacher in a Special Needs school.
Thank you all for your kind words. :] He’s still loving to play the game…