Unfortunately, in modern times, many marriages end in divorce or separation. This statistic rises even higher when you mix in an autistic child. No matter how loving and understanding you both may be towards your child, the truth is that autism is a very difficult matter, and strain on the marriage is not uncommon. By trying to stay positive about your situation, and by working to keep your marriage healthy, you and your spouse can avoid marital problems and hopefully survive the trying times of raising an autistic child.
Table of Contents
Why did you marry your husband or wife?
By asking yourself this question often, you can focus on the good things in your marriage. Raising a child with autism is stressful, and if you are stressed, you have a tendency to snap at another person for the smallest missteps. Instead of focusing on these bad qualities, take some time to enjoy one another the way you did at the beginning of the relationship. This may include spending some time apart from your children. When you find out that your child is autistic, it is beneficial to make sure that you and your spouse are not the only two people with whom your child will respond. A grandparent, aunt or uncle, mature sibling, or nanny are good people to have in your child’s life in the most intimate way possible. This way, alone time with your spouse is possible.
Work together with your spouse to help you child, instead of fighting with one another
It is very likely that you will have different ideas about what to do in certain situations, so be prepared to compromise and always seek professional consultations before making any medical decisions for your child. By working together, remember that you are giving your child the best opportunities. Try to set apart time every week to spend together as a family, especially if one parent or the other is the primary caregiver.
Lastly, seek help when you need it
Part of any successful marriage is spending some time apart to focus on individual needs, and it is no different when you have an autistic child. However, if you find that you and your spouse are not happy unless you are spending time alone, it is time to reevaluate the situation. A family or marriage counselor can help you and your spouse get back on the right track to a happy life together. It might also be beneficial to meet other couples raising autistic children. You are not alone, and it is never easy. By making an effort to keep your marriage happy, even when you are stressed with the task of raising an autistic child, you and your spouse can ensure that your marriage does not end in a messy divorce.
My marriage to my first husband, Devon’s dad did not last.
He could not take the fact that “His son” was autistic. He fathered both of my children but would only pay attention to Amanda, it broke my heart into little pieces. We tried many things, and counseling was one of them. It worked for a while but in the end we parted ways. I know he loves Devon, in his own way, but Devon is not part of his life, and that is fine, Devon has a dad that really cares for him and loves him for who he is, my second husband Ronnie. Ronnie has been a part of my children’s lives for the past 13 years and loves them both like they are his.
Marriages can work out, if you have the strength and love all things are possible. Ronnie and I have that, he knew about Devon when he came into our lives, he knew that Devon and Amanda were my number 1 priority and that Devon would be a constant in our lives, he would not go off to college and marry and all the things that other children grow up and do, Devon would live with us till we were old and couldn’t do it anymore. Ronnie knows all this and wouldn’t have it any other way. Our marriage is strong and I know no matter what we can withstand the stress and fatigue of Autism. Our love knows no bounds and Devon is a huge part of both of our hearts, he will always be my baby.
I am so glad you were able to find a wonderful man who loves your children as his own!
Your children (and you) ARE very lucky to have a step-dad who loves them like their own. I’ve seen far far far too many cases where that is not true at all, and the repercussions are long-term and devastating (compounded if there is a younger child in the family who is the dad’s child).
Thank you Nikki. He is wonderful .
Rosey, I know how lucky we are to have him. I also have seen many cases like you have wrote of. It takes work to become a family, early in our relationship, Ronnie and I decided not to have children together so we could focus on the children we already had. It was not always easy for him, because Amanda (my daughter) didn’t want him to be “her dad”. It took him awhile to win her over, but now they are like father and daughter. I also know that her dad was not making it easy for her either, filling her head with awful things.
I think your advice to seek help when you need it is SO important. If only more people (myself included) would heed that advice!
As a mom of a child with autism, I truly appreciate this post. Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, parenting a special needs child is hard. Combine them all and it is incredibly difficult. Thanks so much for sharing your heart Kelly!
Great post. I am glad your husband is the kind of man he is and is a father to your son. Kudos to him. Many medical conditions of children can either make or break their parent’s relationship. It is sad but true. Thanks for sharing.
You are one tough mom Kelly and I know for sure that your son Devon is proud to have you as his mom despite of the absence of his real dad.
Thank you for writing this. I love your honesty and you and Ronnie are proof that, while not always easy, it is possible.
I have several friends who have autistic or otherwise special needs children and I’ll be sharing this with them.
Kelly, your post really touched me and I can totally relate. My daughter is on the autism spectrum . I am lucky and my husband loves my daughter more than anything in the world even though we met when she was 6 months old but the stress, pressure and the stain on our relationship has been really tough. We are in counseling now and I think we are going to make it. Thanks so much for this post, it really gave me hope. 🙂
Paula, It will work out. I am happy that you are in counseling, that means that you two can work through it. He loves you and your children and like I always say, Love knows no bounds, you two will come out of this stronger. Keep up the hope and stay strong.
Thank you Tessa. I always try and help people see that anything is possible. It took me time to see this myself, being in my first marriage was so stressful that at times I couldn’t see a bright future. Ronnie has taught me so much, I can easily say that our life is full and complete.
Thank you Pam.
Thank you Catherine. Your right sometimes it can be so difficult, but as parents we also need to learn to make some time for ourselves and our spouse, even if it is a few minutes, I know it can be hard but to be the best parent you can be, sometimes we sacrifice the things that we shouldn’t.
Thank you jheylo.
Renae, Some people find it hard to go to an outside source for that help, they think they have failed in a way or sometimes they just don’t think they need it. With Devon’s dad he went to some of the meetings with me, but there were plenty of times I found myself sitting in them alone.
Hi I am the step parent of a very young newly diagnosed low function autistic child. Have you ever considered what other options were instead of Devon living with you and what are the options? What are the options once you’re not able to care for him anymore. It never crossed my mind until now that my step son wouldn’t get married, move out, go to college, raise a family. I don’t even know where to start. I know it was 1 in 1000 than and 1 in 88 now being diagnosed but I don’t think I have ever seen an autistic adult.