4 Facts about being a Stepmom

Ten years ago, I became a blessed Stepmom to two boys, now 16 and 22. Since then, my husband and I have had our biological child, who is 6. We are your typical involved family. We still keep an eye on the oldest and give our two cents when needed, but we have long let go, and so far, so good!

The teenager is 16 and hates us when things don’t go his way, and the youngest is six and hates us when things don’t go his way. It is in their behavior we are confident we are doing right. The more they get mad at you, the more you are parenting correctly. Isn’t that how it works?

Despite parenting challenges, they are the three most incredible boys you’ll meet. My husband’s ex lives somewhat nearby, and there are many challenges as we are a strict home, and hers is not. The imbalance can sometimes be very challenging for the boys, but their father and I keep going strong.

The teen wants college in the next two years, and we have to support that and keep him focused and honest on the path there. I look at it with envy. If I had to have divorced households to split my time between having one house to do business at and another to chill at, it would be the best of two worlds.

As Stepmoms who care, we know that despite differences between households, making this parenting thing a game is the worst. We love their father and want to raise caring boys, but we are not Mom and will never be granted that title.

Being a Stepmom is probably the most ungrateful, satisfying job title anyone can hold.

Stepmom’s are not Mom

As stepmoms, we know we will never have the bond moms have with their kids. I know that our 6-year-old could never have a bond with another woman like he has with me.

We are not competing to take over (unless Mom has checked out) but simply asking for respect. We will never have the bond, know it; the kids and you know it. To rub that in, she says, ‘ I am Mom, and I never respect another woman but me. ‘

Unless you wrote the Ten Commandments and meant for the first rule to ask your child to honor no other adult but you, I suggest you leave them to their judgments. It will not end well for you or your kids to feel pressured to turn on and off respect as you command. We are not moms, but we have extra love for them. Honor that so they think that love, too.

We are not the Competition

Put away that magnifying glass. We all know if you stare hard enough, you will find faults. How about just calling and asking us what you need to know? Did you catch I say NEED to know, not WANT to know?

We each want privacy and to raise the kids in our walls the way we feel fits best and makes for happy and confident children. This is not a game. There is no competition happening. Two houses may be loved differently, and that is OK. If the kids feel the love, then they will be content. Try to tell them otherwise and let us know how that works out for you in the end, as the kids start playing games with both of our households.

We are the Peacekeepers

As stepmoms, we feel hatred between our husbands and Moms. For the parents left behind, there is mistrust and bitterness. For the parent who walked out, there is the guilty parenting syndrome that is harmful to the kids. The burdens are not the kids’ to carry.

Bitterness and guilt are an adult burden only. As Stepmoms, we are the first to sense the tension, and if we get loud or vocal, it is simply because the burden is transferred to the kids. When Stepmom gets loud- listen!

We are standing on the outside looking in many times like the kids are, with more experience and knowledge. Stop criticizing and check your actions. We are just over in a corner screaming for help for the kids. It is not a competition. It is teamwork. It is parenting. All opinions matter.

Stepmoms are Human beings

We have feelings. We have souls. We are not some monster here to take control and kidnap your kids and hide your existence. Calm down! I know some crazy Stepmoms out there who perhaps are not real human beings saying!

But, as caring Stepmoms, we are human! When you talk, it comes back to us in our home. Imagine yourself having a hectic week.

You left work early one day because your stepchild had an appointment, you made a total of about six school lunches, and you ran to the nearest store 20 minutes away at 8 p.m. one night because you were out of cheese. Your stepchild would NOT eat if there was no cheese on his sandwich.

His health is important to you, so you head out. You have had multiple homework fights. One even slammed a door in your face because you caught him cheating, and raising anything but a respectful man is important to you.

You are on your last few dollars until you get paid, but you see that sticker pack one of the boys has been dying for, and you pick it up anyway because it makes you feel good as a parent.

Now, they are returning from their time at Mom’s. You hear one say, “Mom says you are not our real Mom, so we only have to listen to Dad.” We know we are not “Mom.” Still, those are some gut-wrenching words, if not that their Mother just taught them how to disrespect another parental figure who would do anything for them at any moment with nothing but real love.

If you are forming your child’s opinions about us for them, what will happen when they catch on? That will make their Dad very loud and make them look silly when he is done reinstalling that respect.

Some of this was a bit comical if you are a Stepmom because I know you relate! On the other hand, I will never mean to disrespect the real Mom’s out there.

Honestly, sharing is hard, even as an adult. But we all have the same goal. We all want respectful and successful kids. We will never achieve that in them without their best examples. Stepmoms can be the best examples for the kids, but we are not moms.

The kids are watching Mom and Dad. Just allow us to be their voice, even when they think they don’t need one, and follow that up with coherence and support. The kids will make awesome adults one day, and we will be happy and content parents! It is not a game; it is a lifestyle.