All of us make mistakes from time to time, and it’s a sign of humility, accountability, and respect to apologize for those mistakes.
Unfortunately, it’s not always easy or straightforward to give a sincere and meaningful apology. A simple “sorry” may not be enough.
So what does it take to give a better apology? And why does it take so much work?
Table of Contents
The Elements of an Effective Apology
Multiple psychological studies have demonstrated that not all apologies are equally effective. Effective apologies have at least the following aspects in common:
An expression of sincere regret
First, you need to provide an expression of sincere regret. You need to explain that you feel bad about what you did and that you wish it wouldn’t have happened. Again, this needs to be sincere; if you’re just apologizing because you feel like you have to or because you’re tired of dealing with the other person’s anger, the apology isn’t going to work.
An explanation of what happened (and what went wrong)
Also, the apology should include at least some explanation of what happened and what went wrong. This needs to be as focused as possible and tied to an offending action. For example, just saying “I’m sorry you’re upset” isn’t going to work. Not only does this totally ignore what happened, but it also leaves some ambiguity; does the person apologizing even understand that what they did was wrong? You don’t have to fill in all the details here, but you do have to specifically acknowledge the issue. For example, “I’m sorry I ate all the chocolate chip cookies.”
Acknowledgment of personal responsibility
After that, the apology needs to have some sort of acknowledgment of personal responsibility. It’s not just being sorry that a thing happened – it’s being sorry for being the driver of the wrong action. There’s a big difference between “I’m sorry someone ate all the cookies” and “I’m sorry I ate all the cookies. I should have asked if you wanted any first.”
A desire to repent
Sincere apologies include a desire to repent. It’s important for you to express your genuine interest in being forgiven and moving past the issue. Instead of making excuses or wallowing in pity, simply express your desire to take accountability for what you’ve done.
An offer to make things right
If you want your apology to be more effective, offer to make things right. In some scenarios, this is going to be very easy; if you accidentally damaged a piece of personal property, you can offer to replace it. If you took something that didn’t belong to you, you can give it back. In other cases, you’re going to have to make up for your transgressions more creatively. Sending flowers, cooking meals, and doing extra favors for the person you offended could be the best choice.
A request for forgiveness from the offended party
Finally, you’ll need to request forgiveness from the party you offended. They may or may not give you this forgiveness, but if you follow the tenets of a good apology, they’ll be much more likely to do so.
Where Most Apologies Go Wrong
These are the areas where most apologies go wrong:
Insincere or fake apologies
We’ve all been the recipient of an insincere or fake apology in the past. It could be because an authority figure is making the other party apologize or because the apologizing figure isn’t used to apologizing. Whatever the case, a succinct, “I’m sorry, okay? Geez,” doesn’t feel good.
Apologizing for the wrong thing
It’s also common for people to apologize for the wrong thing. One of the most popular misappropriations here is apologizing for an outcome, rather than an action. As a subtle example, “I’m sorry you felt offended by my joke” instead of “I’m sorry I told an offensive joke.”
Making excuses
Apologies are undermined by excuses. You can usually tell an excuse is coming if there is a “but” at the end of the apology. For example, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I was really upset at the time.” Providing context can be helpful, but making excuses isn’t.
Refusing to make things right
Never ruin an apology by refusing to make things right. Sometimes, even a simple gesture is all it takes to make the other party feel good about the outcome; a small gift or favor is enough for most minor infractions.
In theory, apologies should be very simple and straightforward. In practice, they’re much more nuanced. Be sincere and genuine as you express what went wrong and do your best to make up for your actions; if you do, you’ll be much more likely to be forgiven.
