I went to plenty of sleepovers as a girl. And I thought they were fun. But after becoming a mother, and experiencing the proverbial reality check, I have to say the sparkle is now gone. In fact, they seem to be on the decline in our culture. After 14 years of marriage, I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve run across who say “We don’t do sleepovers.”
Anyhow, if your child has been asked and you’re not sure whether to say “yes” or “no,” here’s my perspective. Or, if you are a huge sleepover fan and can’t wait to host the next one at YOUR house, here are some thoughts from the other side…..
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Why I Don’t Like Sleepovers
You don’t sleep much at a sleepover.
It’s a dream come true for the children, but a nightmare for the parents! Especially when you have to deal with grouches the next day.
But you can lay down rules, right? Have you ever tried to force a bunch of hyped-up adolescents to go to sleep? You can’t. And unless you have a separate bedroom for each guest, good luck trying to police the whispering and secret-telling that goes on after your “official bedtime” has come and gone. Who wants to stay up until midnight being the bad guy and telling other people’s children to be quiet and go to sleep? You may put them to bed at 10, but they can still stay awake until 1. And what happens after the host parents give up and fall asleep themselves?
You lose a lot of oversight.
As a conscientious mother or father, you can plan ahead and ask questions, but that doesn’t guarantee anything once your child is out of sight for such a long time. Unfortunately, the parents you spoke to may forget what you said, or they may just brush your concerns aside. “No one else has a problem with this movie, so I’m sure that family won’t mind,” they may reason. Nor can you plan for surprises like what the other family’s teenage son (or his friends) might be doing or watching at the time of the sleepover. The children may all end up doing something you forgot to ask about (go somewhere outside the home, get out video games instead of movies, etc.). And will the adults in the household ensure that each overnight guest gets the privacy he or she wants/needs?
The world is so different than it was 50 years ago; children are maturing earlier, technology pervades the home and there’s been a general loosening of morals and standards in society. Things like pornography and abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, drugs, alcohol) are ever-increasing.
You take on a lot of responsibility.
When the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the host family, there are a lot of bases to cover. Allergies, food sensitivity, homesickness, special needs and medications and all the other stuff that comes with having a group of children from different families with different values/opinions all staying at your house overnight. Some parents are more than willing to tackle the challenge, but I’d rather pass on all that stress.
In my opinion, sleepovers are highly overrated. They are not a rite of passage and are not necessary for growing up. Sleepovers aren’t a required experience in a happy childhood. They are not a convenient way to get one (or more) of your children out of the house so you can have a break.
I’m no party pooper. Children can have fun in millions of ways! (mine do!) And it’s ok to stay up late sometimes. But I’ll pass on the sleepover. The only exception we’ve made is for family, like cousins. They only come a few times a year, and the children are very close and there’s complete trust there. It’s a chance for them to maximize time together during that brief visit.
What are your thoughts on sleepovers? Love them, or hate them? Share with me the good, the bad and the ugly.
i mean this with all due respect, but this sounds like the definition of “party-pooper” to me. Let’s let kids be kids and stop helicoptering over ever single tiny little experience. Does it really matter if they stay up late talking until 1AM? They’re resilient, they’ll jump back from one night of less sleep. To me, that’s what childhood is all about. I had more sleepovers than I can count on my childhood and I am still friends with those girls today. We had SO much fun and those memories are precious. I would not deny my child the same experiences. I guess agree to disagree.
Megan, all I can say is, if you knew me personally you’d know within 5 minutes that’s I’m no party pooper. LOL Our family of 9 has TONS of fun over here – everything from recreational sports to weekly game nights to big birthday parties to outrageously funny karaoke nights. (Yes, they do stay up late sometimes.). Just because a parent says no to sleepovers, doesn’t mean fun isn’t allowed! My point is simply that going through the sleepover experience is not crucial to a happy childhood, and that parents often say no for very reasonable reasons.. I read a lot of opinions online before writing the post and was actually surprised to see so many parents who hate sleepovers. I wouldn’t use that strong of a word, but I personally do feel that kids can have fun and be kids in LOTS of other ways. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
You’re not the only one Anne, a lot of parents are saying no to sleep overs for good reason!
http://www.howdoesshe.com/terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-parents-who-wont-allow-sleepovers/
We don’t have children yet, but I have a feeling we’ll be taking the same stance as you. I love the above article and it mentions some fun alternatives to sleep overs as well 🙂
Going to read that post right now, Theresa!
I have to say I agree with this piece. There’s so much to take into account when trusting your kids to others. Thanks for this post!
Thanks for weighing in, Elia! Trust is very important when your children are with someone else.
We were only allowed to stay over at my grandmother’s, often with my cousins. My kids will probably only have cousin sleepovers, too.
Seriously? This opinion piece is a classic case of an adult transferring unwarranted and unsubstantiated fears onto their child. I hold a doctoral degree in child psychology and I implore you to do your research. First, the worst parental style is over-protection. Children from over-protective parents fare much worse in adulthood than children from neglectful homes. Second, you are advocating for what is known as ‘tribalism’. Actively teaching children to only ‘trust’ family, when in reality abuse is much more likely among trusted family members than outside friends. (Substantiated by hundreds of actual clinical studies). Children raised with a ‘tribal’ philosophy have a much more difficult time with acceptance of new situations and the differences among our global population of people. Again, resulting in avoidant and sometimes fearful personality types in adulthood. (As per documented studies)
The solution for all parents is to know your child’s friends and their parents. Please understand, growing-up is a slow process that requires practice in independent forms of decision making. You are ultimately raising an adult that will live independently from you, not a perpetual child that is afraid to sleep anywhere but in a tribal atmosphere. When it comes to parenting, “there is nothing to fear but fear itself” and “the hand you hold, should never be the hand that holds you down”.
More and more parents today are having second thoughts about allowing their children to attend or host sleepovers. No, that’s not true. Parents of school-age children are putting their foot down and saying “No” to such events.
It turns out that most of the sleepovers they participated in weren’t nearly as innocent and benign as the ones their parents (that includes me) enjoyed. It turns out that their sleepover memories include being exposed to porn, being pressured into doing things they knew were wrong and weren’t comfortable with, being bullied, being left unsupervised and unchaperoned or being left in the care of irresponsible siblings, and being bullied or even sexually molested.
I have 2 children and choose to have a “no sleepover” family rule. I wouldn’t consider myself a party pooper but I know my kids probably do when there is an invite and they have to explain that they have a family rule and would have to be picked up before bed. I know it’s a bummer but they get over it the next day. After they have had a good night’s sleep and realize that their life didn’t end. It’s my job as a parent to protect my children. Psychology may define it whatever it wants to define it. I myself would rather my child feel slightly over protected then to be sitting in a therapist office because they are dealing with sexual abuse or trauma that happed at an unsupervised sleepover with a parent or friend that I thought was trust worthy and wasn’t. I’ll take that risk any day. Today is very different then it used to be. Our kids can be exposed to things in other people’s homes that we wouldn’t feel comfortable exposing them to. I had lots of sleepovers in my day. My parents were free spirits and didn’t really ever know where I was or what I was doing. I would like to be different from that. I love my kids and even better, I like them a whole heck of a lot. They are children and children are vulnerable and capable of making poor decisions. I know I can’t keep them from all harm but at least I can rest peaceful at night because I know they are downstairs sound asleep in our safe and loving home.