“Do you feel special?”
The nurse asked me as I sat in her office. “Do you feel special that you are pregnant with twins? It’s not special. One in 9 pregnancies results in twins”. I didn’t know what to think and just found out that I was carrying two beautiful little lives inside of me. And yes, I did feel special, I felt darn special. What she said I now know to be false, around one in thirty pregnancies will result in twins, not nine. No matter the information it wasn’t a wanted conversation and I was shocked to hear it.
I had a daughter; she was just eight months old when I found out about the second pregnancy. She was the apple of my eye and my colorful rainbow in the sky. Her smile can light up a room even if the power was to go out. It was her sweet chubby cheeks that helped me get through the horrific morning sickness that I endured. I was never sick with my first, aside from the one time I was craving a plum and the only one left was rotten. I ate it anyways. Every day I prayed to the porcelain toilet to make it stop. Every day I wondered if I was going to be able to wake up and get dressed and go out of the house. Each and every day I felt horrible. It all made sense once I found out that I was carrying multiples as I had always heard morning sickness comes on strong when you are.
Future Mommy-to-be Solutions: Snuza Go
I was so excited to be having twins
In my heart, I think I always knew I would. Imagining it from the time I was a little girl playing the game of Life, always eagerly waiting to have twin girls. You just know; and I was also so scared. My Jasmine was only a baby still. A small baby that needed her Mommy and my heart broke thinking about the position I would be putting her in. Being a third child, followed by a fourth. Knowing what it is like to be left out; I swore that would never happen to my children. I knew everything would fall into place though. Believed it would and I thought it would.
The pain was so bad
In my abdomen, my thighs, and in my heart. There is no pain worse than that of a broken heart. I knew what was happening inside of me. I didn’t want it to happen and I prayed from the first shock of pain that it wouldn’t happen, but it did. Late at night on October 4th I made my way to the bathroom after being woke in bed by my conscious telling me to go. There I birthed two tiny little people. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I wasn’t through my first trimester as of yet, but I felt a strong connection to them. They were a part of my heart, me and my husband, a part of my family and life. I crawled back into my bed trying not to wake my husband. I think I was in a state of shock.
Little did I know that life would never be the same for me
Losing my babies put in a hole in my heart I have yet to learn how to fix. I have seen multiple counselors, I have had candle light prayers (and I’m not one to pray often), and I have even considered getting little footprint tattoos on my shoulder so that in a sense they could always be with me. Even if the ink were to be on my skin, I have not healed.
I see commercials on the TV. I think this day in age it’s all about multiples so many refer to having twins. Thank goodness for PVR and being able to fast forward right through them. My husband’s cousin and now my cousin are both pregnant with twins. Luckily I can hide posts or profiles on facebook. living this way is not sustainable, and I know I need to move on as my sister told me not long ago. I just don’t know how to move on. How do I pretend that this didn’t happen.
Don’t know how to just forget about the babies that I lost, that I birthed, that I loved
Now have another beautiful daughter. She was somehow conceived just weeks after I lost my beautiful babies, through protection and all. She was an easy pregnancy, much different than the previous. After the horrific pain and guilt I had from my loss just weeks before I didn’t want more children. Didn’t want to chance going through something like that again. I knew I couldn’t do it. Not mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I had a daughter to be strong for. A beautiful little girl that looked up to me and I wanted to be there for her in every way possible.
Tattoo design ideas for parents showing of their children
We named our unborn Baby
We named our unborn baby Sarryn, short for serendipity or un-planned fortune. No, she wasn’t planned and that is okay. She was still made from love and she really is my little fortune! She was due at the very end of October, and at the end of a very healthy, wonderful pregnancy I suddenly went into pre-term labor at the end of 34 weeks. It came on nice and slow, but after a trip to the hospital, then an ambulance ride to the nearby bigger city, I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Sarryn Georgia Rose, 5 lbs 11 oz. Rosy pink, healthy as could be and oh so cute! She was born on October 4th. The day in which just one year before I had lost my beautiful babies. A day of loss was now a day of celebration.
I still can’t watch tv shows with multiples
I still fast forward the commercials that have them in it. Crying for days was a common response when I found out that my friend or relative is expecting twins, but as the years go on it does get easier and I don’t cry nearly as much. As fate would have it a few years ago I met someone who is now my best friend, she has two girls. Twins. Some days it is hard, but most days I am just happy for her that she gets to experience what I never had the chance to experience. It is helping me to heal. I also have my two beautiful girls in my life that I couldn’t be more thankful for. They are both the apples of my eyes and my colorful rainbows in the sky. I love them to pieces.
Thanks so much for sharing your story Jennifer. I hope this helps many other people in speaking up about a sensitive subject.
I am so happy you have been able to keep your angels in your heart while continuing to be a wonderful mother to your beautiful girls.
So sorry you went through that, but I believe it was NO coincidence that your daughter was born a year to the date of your miscarriage.
My son was born 24 years to the exact date my baby sister was stillborn. Not a coincidence either. AND I went into labor the day before which was exactly 9 years to the exact date my father died. God works in mysterious ways!
I agree. I believe things happen for a reason as well.
I am so sorry. Words cannot express how much I feel for you. :'(
Prayers to you and your family. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this.
I still remember my (first) loss, 6 years ago, like it was yesterday. She will always be in my heart. It feels so unfair but I have learned that her mission on earth was completed and I have learned to be okay with that. I think we learn to appreciate the children that we have so much more. But we always hold our lost babies in our hearts.
Saying a prayer that you find the Peace that passes all understanding.
Loss is never easy. We move on, and those wounds develop scabs and in time become scar tissue. The scar tissue just covers the damage. It doesn’t completely heal it, nor does it erase the loss. I hope that you do, in time, manage to at least develop that scar tissue.
My heart goes out to you. I’ve lost two at separate times. It takes time. It sucks. Praying for you. Lots of hugs.
Thank you for having the strength to share your story. I am so sorry for your loss, and so happy for your rainbow baby.
I had a missed miscarriage just last month and was in shock and heartbroken. I had seen my healthy baby just weeks before that awful visit with the midwife, when my life would never be the same. I opted to have a D&E, as I didn’t think I could handle letting nature take it’s course (physically or emotionally). Two days after the procedure, I was in the ER (July 4th) with a massive infection and found out that I was still retaining the fetus (!). I was sent home with 4 doses misoprostal, labored for two days and miscarried. A week later, at my follow-up, my doctor suspected infection and more retained tissue. I was sent right over to the hospital from an ultrasound appointment that proved that doctor’s suspicions were correct. I had a D&C last Friday. In under two weeks’ time, I had two surgical procedures, labored & miscarried. To say that I am traumatized is an understatement. I still feel unwell, and fear that all of my physical ailments may have completely sidelined my grieving process — I just want it all to be over.
I pray that you are able to get to a place where you no longer grieve your angel babies, but rather remember them with love and warmth…
My heart goes out to you! I can’t imagine what you are going through. Maybe you should not put so much pressure on yourself (nor should others) to move on. This was a defining moment in your life, and shouldn’t be forgotten. I know the grieving process for loosing children (born or not) is much much longer than the loss of say a grand parent. I am so so sorry for your loss. You and your little ones will forever be in my heart.
I’m so sorry. I hope writing about it will make you feel better.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel how painful this is for you, and I can empathize, as I also had a miscarriage, after my first born. Coincidentally enough, I got pregnant shortly after, and gave birth exactly one year to the day I miscarried, just as you experienced with your daughter. March 25th, a sad day and also a celebration. I felt that was a sign, that it was the same baby that I had lost. Maybe your Sarryn is one of the babies you lost, and the other is waiting to meet you. Your daughters have such beautiful names. I hope that you are able to find healing in this xxx
What an unbelievable story. Thank you for being so brave in sharing.
Jennifer
thejennyevolution.com
Thank you for sharing your story. I experienced a loss of my own. My adorable son came along about two years later and he’s our everything.
I’m still shaking my head at the nurse’s comments. How unprofessional!
Good article. I’m experiencing a few of these issues as well..