Table of Contents
Your Child’s Inner Voice
I read a quote today by Peggy O’Mara, the woman behind many publications including Mothering Magazine from 1980-2011 and www.mothering.com. It read, “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”.
This got me thinking. I had just finished nagging my 3 year old to pick up the pieces to the Hungry, Hungry Hippo game before our 13 month old foster baby got a hold of the marbles. I certainly did not ask him to do it in the most gentle way possible, using words of encouragement. Yes, of course, this was the third time I had asked him this morning and I had put it on higher and higher shelves each day this week, in hopes that it would become a ‘supervised play only’ type of game. Still, using the tone I did with him and then reading this quote certainly didn’t make me feel like mom of the year.
Feeling defeated and overall terrible, I did what I do best: problem solve. What could I do to ensure that my kid’s inner voice sounded nothing like the way I had just spoken to my 3 year old? Below is what I have come up with.
Try to increase your awareness
Since reading this quote, I can’t get it out of my mind. This is probably a good thing.
Plan ahead for situations you normally have difficulty keeping calm
As I said earlier, the hippo game has ended up spread all over the floor each day, like clockwork. Tomorrow, I will try to explain to my son why it is important that he tells mom that he would like to play with it and why keeping the small pieces away from younger siblings is important. Believe me, I know that having a reasonable conversation with a 3 year old is not always easy, but I will try. Replay the scenarios in your mind that cause your blood to boil and brainstorm how you could react.
Preload
This is something I learned during some workshops I attended for my son with autism. It can be taught in a very detailed and extensive way, but the purpose is simple. Prepare your child for different situations and you will have to spend less time dealing with the aftermath. Spend 95% of the energy before the event, and only 5% dealing with the fallout.
Conserve Energy
For example, instead of spending 5% of my energy placing the hungry hippo game on a higher shelf today and 95% of the energy frantically cleaning up, taking marbles away from screaming babies, explaining to my 3 year old why he can’t play the game right now and stressing everyone out in the process, I can reverse it. I can spend 95% cleaning it up properly, storing it out of sight, perhaps in my bedroom closet, explaining why we can’t play it all the time and how my son can ask to play it with me during nap time. This should cause the energy expenditure to decrease afterwards. We can play during nap time and then spend 5% of time and energy cleaning it up before the babies get near it and not have my 3 year old devastated about putting it away.
If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
I know you’ve heard this, but have you really heard this? It doesn’t just apply to kids, but to us parents as well. Yes, we are conscripted to be parents, and not just friends, but this doesn’t mean that everything out of our mouth’s has to begin with ‘don’t’, ‘no’ or in my case, ‘seriously?’. Work on this concept.
Just walk away
Sometimes I need a breather. I am raising 5-6 kids at any given time and they all have a way of pushing buttons. Sometimes I head to the bathroom and hope they don’t notice, or lay on my bed, just for a couple minutes in peace. This usually is during a time where I could loose my cool, or take a break. *be sure all kids are safe before walking away. If this means putting a screaming baby into a crib for 5 minutes, do it.
Talk to your spouse and others around your children about this
After a brief conversation with my husband about this, I overheard him whispering to my oldest son ‘be kind to your brothers’. Yes, my son replied with ‘stop whispering dad’, we trust the message will stick. Raising a child takes a village, make sure your village understands how their words matter.
Most importantly remember, that you are the right mom for your kids
No mother is perfect and you are not expected to be either. We are all a work in progress.
I would love to hear what you think on these points and if you think I am missing any.
Some great reminders. Thanks for this! It was so much easier to do the preventative maintenance stuff before my second was born. I have slacked off a lot but certain things have now been so “drilled into” my children that they don’t even think about it. Like “playdough is a table toy” and “we only color on paper.” It can take a lot of energy to do the 95% but it makes life so much smoother in the long run!
Another tip that I learned over time is to stop saying “no.” Instead of telling my sons, “No, you may not play with the puzzle,” I can say, “Let’s clean up the blocks and then play with the puzzle.” Attempting to take “no” out of my parenting vocabulary has also meant that they are less inclined to say it to me as well. Instead, my five year old comes up with his own solutions. “Mom, if I clear of the table, can I paint?” My response, “Yes please!”
I first heard that quote a while ago. I try to keep it in mind whenever I talk to my daughter. I grew up in a house of yellers and want to stop that with her.
Thank for this post – it’s a great reminder for me. Too often I get lost and react to the situation or moment, without taking a moment to pause. Note to self: take a moment to think about how I react or what I am going to say before I say it.
I believe I have heard this before and I know it is an important thing to remember. I’m going to try harder to concentrate on how I speak to my kids.
Stopping by from the blogelina commentathon – I think this post is your submission, but I’m not sure. The one linked on the group page is incorrect.
~ Dara
These are definitely great reminders for any parent. It’s hard sometimes to stay positive and relay that positivity to your kids, but it’s so important to remember to do so! You’re very right in saying that no mom is perfect, and that’s ok. We will all make mistakes – it’s part of our job description!
Great points. This is something I continuously have to work on.
I love that quote from Peggy O’Mara. Your third point was really helpful. While reading it I realized that the difficult situations that have turned around are exactly because I’ve done this. Good positive feedback for this mama! I also find it really helps to talk over particularly frustrating situations with my partner. Because he’s not in the middle of them all the time like I am, he often has creative solutions I haven’t even thought of.
These ideas are great, sometimes we need those reminders when dealing with children.
Thank you for sharing the advice. It helps, even for people like me with no kids yet 🙂
If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. If I do this, then my daughter thinks that I didn’t hear the awful annoying thing she just said, so then she just repeats it!! AHHHH!!!! It’s ok – us mothers just need to give ourselves a break once in awhile and realize we can only do our best with what God gives us!
Thanks for this list. I will definitely use these ideas with my niece and nephew.
I really liked your list. It applies beautifully to all kinds of life situations – dealing with your partner, friends, colleagues, customers, etc. I will definitely remember some of these points next time i get annoyed and impatient with someone.
This is a great article and reminder for me. I constantly have to remind myself on how I talk to my son. I know one day he’ll pick up bad habits and such. Thank you for the great article and like the previous commenter said, this can be applied beyond children.
lemme add one more – pray for your child – that God would put His inner voice (Holy Spirit) in him/her! 😀
Great quote, this is a great way to think. I constantly have to work at not “sounding like my mother” when it comes to my daughter. Thank you for the reminder!
I don’t have kids yet, but I can be kind of mean to my husband if I’m in a bad mood. I don’t want his inner voice to be negative of me when I am like that so I will try to be nicer even when I’m upset
Great tips! I’m not a parent, but these are good for parents to keep in mind.
So true. It’s times when they try our patience that are the hardest. I love the 95/5 rule. I plan on trying to be more thoughtful with the situations that I know might cause her to meltdown or me to feel frustrated. Much better to turn those times into teachable moments instead of I’m-the-mom-and-I-know-best moments.
Sadly – I must admit that on occasion I have said things to my children that I immediately regret; or an inappropriate tone or something else that I am immediately ashamed of. But then I am out with my kids and some parent says something inappropriate to the kids; rudely; or some other thing. And my kids immediately react in horror and say something to the effect of “did you hear that mom just tell her kids to shutup”… Well when they react like that I realize I must be doing something right somewhere along the way and clearly my kids are cutting me some slack for when I have a really bad day…
We forget how powerful our thoughts and words are. Words and tone of voice can be as hurtful as being hit physically, but you can’t see the hurt. Children need words of support and encouragement and they try to push ALL the boundaries. That’s normal. As adults, as much as a trial as it is, we teach children how to behave as adults by our behavior, words and actions. Be kind and you will raise kind people. Children also learn by watching and imitating which makes it quite rewarding to see them grow up.
I remind myself of this often. The first time I heard it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I fail. But I fail a little less each time. This is a great post and a reminder to all parents out there that we are the example for our children + our future.
Okay, I totally cracked up at “Stop whispering, Dad.” LOL!!! I love how kids are so blunt!!! But seriously, this was a great article. I think about this all the time, too. My “inner voice” from my parents was a very negative and critical one. I hope and pray my kids don’t hear my voice in their head telling them anything other than “You can do it!!!”
These are helpful points. I will be talking my son into going back to Kindergarten for Monday. Sometimes I yell out of frustration and after think how yelling gets me no where. Some days I give in because I don’t want to deal with meltdowns. I could not imagine raising 5. You are inspirational. 🙂
These are great tips! It can be easy to get caught up in the more stressful parts of parenting and start nagging our kids to the point that they begin nagging themselves. I try to be very aware of the message I send my son. I want him to truly believe that he is a good, caring and smart child who is capable of anything.
what a great reminder to stay patient and positive when I’m with my kids. Being with them day in and day out is such a huge responsibility and I know everything I do and say soaks into their little brains. My mom was a HUGE reader of Mothering Magazine back in the 80s… she still subscribes today even as a grandma :o) Stopping by as part of the blog-a-thon.! Emily
I too go to the bathroom at times to calm down and re-coup myself!
thanks for sharing your advice! I also think it’s important to explain what you want them to do or how they should do something and preparing them is also important.
And it’s just as important to talk to your children when you’ve done something “wrong” to be the example of how to behave when you make a mistake. We all make them and dealing with the mistake in the proper way is just as valuable as learning not to make the mistake in the first place.
Great post – I think these are all things we intuitively understand and know but we need constant reminders. It’s hard to think ahead and remain calm when things are chaotic and we often settle on our own familiar responses (which may not be the best ones!), it’s good to be reminded of these things when things are calm (or when the kiddos are asleep!).
Oooh I know I have to watch myself. My daughter is very sensitive and I can be grumpy so I really try and watch how I talk to her. So important. Thanks for the reminder.
Great reminder! It can be so hard to control your disappointment and anger, especially when you’ve said the same thing over and over and over. My favorite tip is to preload. I do the same thing with my kids. I give them all the expectations before doing an activity or going somewhere. It saves a lot of frustration when kids know what to expect in advance!
These are all great reminders! I like the last one the best. My boys are older now but I can remember my best friend telling me on a particularly rough day when they were younger (probably early preschool & elementary years) that no one would ever love my children the same way or as much as I did.
I’ve noticed that if I do more prep work with my kiddos that everything turns out much better, or if they get in trouble they are much more responsive and understanding of what they did was wrong and that they need to fix it. I definitely have to take breaks throughout the day and have mandated quiet time for all people in the house for an hour or two each day so that we can all get the break we need. Noise can be an overload to everyone, not just me.
Great great points and quote!
What a true quote! I really hadn’t ever thought it through before but its totally accurate. And you’ve got some excellent tips here on how to be more prepared for ensuring that the inner voice stays positive. Thanks for sharing!!
I don’t have kids, but I will definitely remember this post for when I’m interacting with other people’s kids, and listening to my mom friends who ask for advice. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!
Great tips. Children really are a reflection of who we’ve helped them become. Love that you so beautifully capture what parents need to remember. Thanks.
There are so many parenting suggestions, which all have value, so the one item I took away with the most impact is #7. We’re all works in progress. Try things. Try different things. Keep learning.